Welcome FRONTIER fans for the 50th show review. We were in Liverpool’s Olympia Theatre for the momentous event that featured two former GFC World Champions and a battle of epic proportions between two tag team partners. We also had the first ever gauntlet match in FRONTIER history. Lets get right into the show.
– VIDEO –
The classic beginning notes of “Ride of the Valkyries” plays over the PA as the fans in attendance know who is about to grace them with their presence. Out through the curtain steps Chandler Scott, holding the GFC World Heavyweight Championship with his left arm. He makes his way down the aisle, ignoring the boos, jeers and catcalls of the crowd, shooing them away like the trash that they are. After Chandler hops onto the apron, he steps into the ring. He slowly turns around in a circular motion with his arms outstretched, basking in his glory while the crowd continues to boo.
Chandler: Thank you, Thank you.
(The crowd continues to boo)
Chandler: Tonight is a big celebration. Tonight is the 50th Show in FRONTIER history. YEAH!
(Cheers and applause emanate from the crowd. Chandler even joins in the applause)
Chandler: What started out as a pipe dream over two years ago has blossomed into the premier wrestling federation in all of Europe. And we can thank so many great names for that. People… like Alex Jones.
Chandler: People like Jackson.
(The crowd boos)
Chandler: People like Kenchi Yamamoto.
(The crowd boos)
Chandler: People like Jay Pride.
(The crowd cheers)
Chandler: People like…. like…. Ke… Kevi-…. Kevin Hardaway.
(The crowd explodes in unison with a monster pop. Chandler shakes his head in shame. A “K-HARD” chant breaks out. Chandler can be seen scanning the crowd as he curls his lip in anger)
Chandler: And those names are all fine and good. But there’s one name that can be thanked about all the rest. There is one man responsible for being the saving grace of this company. And that man is, who else, but me?
(Boos can be heard from the crowd. The boos quickly turn into “CHANDLER SUCKS!” chant. Chandler motions for them to simmer down)
Chandler: People please, hold the applause.
(The crowd lets out a chorus of boos. Chandler can’t help but to smile)
Chandler: I’ve brought value, recognition and legitimacy to this company. My work in the ring is second to none. And oh, by the way, not only do I have the most title defenses in company history, but I’m now the longest reigning champion in company history. You’re welcome, by the way. I’ll just put those two records with all the others that I’ve set this year…
(Chandler gives himself a pat on the back. Meanwhile, the crowd is continuing its downpour of boos)
Chandler: So after bringing this belt to heights it’s never seen before, I’ve decided to take this history show off. After all of my hard work and dedication, I felt that it was time to relax my mind and let my conscience be free… while you all rushed to celebrate my greatness. All the rest of those old codgers, has been’s and never will be’s will be out here talking about the good old days. But once they’ve been brought back into the spotlight for all of five minutes, just remember who you should really be grateful for? So here’s to another 50 shows of Harvard greatness. THANK YOU!
“Lies” by CHVRCHES cuts in and out comes Sylar Drake to a big pop from the crowd. He stands on the entrance ramp, dressed in his ring gear and “Saint of Hope” t-shirt, and as the pop calms down, Sylar puts a mic to his mouth.
Sylar: I know you love to listen to yourself, Chandler, but do you really understand what are you saying?
The World Champion raises his eyebrow, signalling a mixture of incomprehension and disappointment.
Chandler: Of course I–
Sylar: No no no, that was a rhetorical question, Chandler. What I actually want to point out that you are nothing but a, pardon my French, egotistical wanker.
Crowd pops and starts a “Wanker” chant, which Chandler Scott certainly doesn’t like.
Sylar: What you can’t understand that you are not as good as you think. The fact that you managed to get away with that title around your waist in every bloody defense thanks to your underhanded tactics is a disgrace to the belt. I can’t do miracles, I can’t make you not surpass your buddy Gabe Gambino and not make you the longest reigning champ… but rest assured, I can make you the longest reigning FORMER champion!
“Next world champ” chant unfolds. Sylar smirks and nods in agreement as he puts the mic to his mouth again.
Sylar: What do you say? Are you really the great World Champion you claim to be? Chandler Scott vs. Sylar Drake for the GFC Heavyweight Championship of the World. Take it, or leave it like a scared little chicken.
– /VIDEO –
Gotta love that Chandler Scott ego, but Sylar Drake, GFC World Champion, does have a nice ring.… The first match of the night was originally scheduled as a triple threat, but due an issue with travel arrangements Pat Gordon Jr was unable to make the show.The triple threat was rescheduled to a singles match.
Michael Hopkins vs Slyar Drake
Hopkins and Sylar lock up and circle. The two grapple for control and exchange armbars. Sylar gets a chinlock but Hopkins moves to the ropes. Hopkins with an armbar but Sylar flips through and locks in his own armbar. Hopkins flips through but Sylar catches him, goes for a bridge but Hopkins reverses through again. Sylar takes down Hopkins in a headlock but Hopkins with a headscissors to get out. Hopkins ducks an Sylar chop and then Sylar ducks a Hopkins kick. Good opening exchange with the crowd applauding both.
Hopkins with a headlock but Sylar sends him into the ropes. Hopkins ducks through and wraps up Sylar for a two count. Sylar locks in a stretch submission hold. The two are on their feet and Hopkins locks in an armbar. Hopkins elbows and chops his way out. Sylar launches herself into the ropes but Hopkins runs across hitting him with a BIG dropkick.
Hopkins looks for a C-4 but Sylar escapes and catches him with an unexpected elbow smash that rocks him. Sylar with a bridging German suplex and gets a two count. Hopkins hits a belly to back suplex, dropping Sylar onto his head. Both are back up and trade punches, kicks and chops. Finally, Hopkins delivers a big kick to Sylar’s head that takes him down. Sylar is somehow up first and whips Hopkins into the buckle. He charges but Hopkins blocks it, sending Sylar over and out of the ring.
Sylar takes his time but slides back into the ring. Hopkins heads up top and hits a huge missile dropkick for two. Both competitors are tiring now and staggering a little. Hopkins charges for a clothesline but meets an Enzuigiri. Sylar charges in with a clothesline but Hopkins counters and rolls through with a crucifix for two. Hopkins goes for a kick but Sylar ducks it, leg sweeps Hopkins and hits a second Enzuigiri attempt for a two count .
Sylar sends Hopkins into the ropes and charges with a knee smash. Sylar throws himself into the ropes and catches Hopkins with a lariat.. Sylar with a punch. Hopkins with a forearm. Sylar with a chop. Hopkins with a kick. Sylar with a chop. Hopkins with a kick. Sylar chop., Hopkins kick. Hopkins with rapid fire kicks and then Sylar with rapid fire chops. Back to Hopkins with 10 hard kicks. Hopkins walks to the opposite corner but Sylar immediately charges with the Infinity Kick (Jumping Kenka Kick). One Divinity Dive (Imploding 450 Splash) later and that was all she wrote.
Your Winner, Sylar Drake!
A fantastic opening match if I do say so myself. Sylar Drake picks up a hard fought win over over of Frontiers top competitors.
– VIDEO –
We’re backstage in a nondescript corridor. Evangelista, already in her ring gear, is pacing back and forth. As she rubs her face briefly, we can see that her knuckles are scraped and bloody.
Someone behind her clears their throat, and she turns around.
Jay Pride: Hey. How you feelin’?
She shrugs absently, not really paying him much attention.
Jay Pride: Listen, I know you both have… a lot of stuff you need to work out on each other, I know… you need to do this. But remember she’s a lot, I mean a LOT more experienced at this kinda thing than you.
She turns to glance at him for just the briefest moment, displaying no emotion.
Jay Pride: I’m just sayin’… you don’t need to become like her here. You can outwrestle her any night of the week. You can’t out-hardcore her. Don’t forget that. You have the power to stop this from gettin’ to the point where neither of you can walk away. Don’t be afraid to use that power if it comes to it.
Evangelista: Why are you worrying about me? Shouldn’t you be worrying about Alex Jones?
She doesn’t even wait for an answer before turning and walking away determinedly. Jay watches her leave, and sighs in concern with his hands on his hips.
– /VIDEO-
The full time wrestler part time cheerleader Summer Collins is in the ring with a microphone in hand. It looks like she has something to say
– VIDEO –
Summer: Hey there, guys and girls! What’s up?!
The crowd loves Summer and cheer loudly for her. She runs a hand through her long blonde hair.
Summer: I went back to the blonde look as you can clearly see. Do you like it?
This evokes another cheer from the audience. Summer laughs.
Summer: I think that is a definitive yes! Anyway, let’s see how things have gone for your cheerleader since I arrived in Frontier. First I was put up against Ryu Unikawa and he got put down! Adrian Voigt thought he could beat me next but he thought WRONG! So next they decided to give me some stiffer opposition…Jason Talbot. I beat him too. So they put me against a former WORLD champion by the name of The Truth. The TRUTH is…he couldn’t hang with me and he got beat. And the latest name added to my undefeated streak was Jason X. Bad movie, bad wrestler, got beat.
She holds up all five of the fingers on her right hand.
Summer: I am FIVE and ZERO baby! WHOO!
The crowd cheers loudly.
Summer: Tonight, though, is special. I want to put on a real show for you all, my loyal fans! So I’m here tonight to put my undefeated streak on the line against not one…not two…but THREE opponents in a gauntlet match!
She motions to the ramp.
Summer: So bring on the first opponent!
– /VIDEO –
Some big talk by FRONTIERS resident cheerleader. Lets see if she can back it up.
Summer Collins vs. Veronique
This first match is a technical affair as the two ladies try to outwrestle one another. A frustrated Veronique turns to brawling with right hands that keeps Summer staggered. She snaps off several dropkicks and suplexes. She goes for a superkick but Summer catches the foot and spins her around into a Money Clip. She pins her for the three count and the victory!
Summer Collins vs. Blood Tiger
Collins didn’t have much time to celebrate as Blood Tiger was quick to run out to the ring and he used a high flying offense to keep Summer at a disadvantage. He gained several near falls after hurricinrana pins, a dragon rana, and a flying cross body block. He went for another dragon rana but Summer countered it into a power bomb. Summer started to wear him down with a variety of submission holds. Summer continued to punish him for several more minutes but Blood Tiger tried to fight back into it with his fast paced offense. He went for a flying cross body block but Summer countered with a dropkick to this gut as he was coming down. Summer nailed him with the Stock Market Crash and pinned him for the three count.
Summer Collins vs. Oliver Bernhardt
Summer was clearly exhausted from these two matches and Oliver used it to his advantage. He rushed down to the ring and used his superior size and strength to wear her out with a power based attack. Summer eventually managed to catch him off guard with a Summer’s End. She covered for a two count. She nailed the Money Clip and covered again but only got a two. Oliver went for a slam but she slipped out of it and slapped on the Million Dollar Dream. Oliver faded away until he finally passed out and the referee awarded the victory to Summer.
The winner of the gauntlet match…SUMMER COLLINS!
– VIDEO –
The young lady doesn’t take time to celebrate. Instead the snatches the microphone right back.
Summer: Eight and zero! Eight wins and no losses! Ladies and gentlemen, I am ready…I am ready to put my undefeated streak on the line against my greatest challenge of them all. FRONTIER…Lasiewicz…Osborne…I WANT A TITLE SHOT!
– /VIDEO –
There is no denying Summer has been impressive. A title shot of some sort should be on order, but first Jason X tries to end his losing streak against veteran Mike Blackwood.
Jason X vs Mike Blackwood
It’s a back and forth match for a few minutes until Blackwood takes control. He almost sneaks a win with a rollup but Jason escapes and turns the tide. After a series of big moves he connects with the X-Driver II (Spinning Unprettier) for a pinfall victory
Your Winner, Jason X!
– VIDEO –
We cut to a dressing room where Laurel Anne Hardy is leaning in front of a big mirror, putting on her makeup. Her brother Matty is sitting in a chair against the wall watching her.
Matty Guerra: Are you sure you wanna do this?
She finishes painting a curve of glitter across her brow before answering.
Laurel Anne Hardy: It’s not about whether I want to.
Matty Guerra: You know you can turn the other cheek. You can be the better woman.
Laurel turns to look at him derisively.
Laurel Anne Hardy: How long have you known me?
He doesn’t answer that, and she goes back to her makeup.
Matty Guerra: Watch yourself.
She smiles at him, warmly, obviously touched by her brother’s concern.
Matty Guerra: You know this ain’t gonna be like any match you’ve ever been in before.
Laurel Anne Hardy: I know.
Another pause.
Matty Guerra: You worried?
There’s no change to her cool, confident exterior as she answers, softly:
Laurel Anne Hardy: Yeah.
And on that, we leave the scene.
– /VIDEO –
A match that was made thanks to twitter and it should be a great one. No matter the out come the fans will be the true winner of this match up of two former GFC Champions.
Jay Pride vs Alex Jones
Nice lock-up to start as they trade tight wristlocks with some fancy footwork. They trade arm drags and Jones hits a cartwheel dropkick for a two count. Jones delivers a beautiful tilt-a-whirl backbreaker/Russian leg sweep combo and then transitions into an octopus hold of sorts. Pride fires back with a running knee and then hits a backbreaker of his own before putting Jones into a Figure four leg lock.
Jones escapes that and delivers a big missile dropkick to Pride, which sends him to the floor. Both guys fight it out for a moment until Pride sweeps Jones’s legs from out under him, cracking his head and neck against a turnbuckle pad in the corner.
Pride tries for the figure four again and then manages to roll Jones up in a cradle for a two count. Pride sinks Jones into the guillotine choke, but Jones counters into the AJ-Lock (cross armbreaker) but Pride escapes via the ropes. Both men trade chops and kicks before Jones hits a back elbow for a two count.
Pride delivers a very impressive back superplex off the top rope, but Jones kicks out of that pin attempt as well. Pride fires off a few kicks but then Jones nails him with the AJ-guri before finishing him off with the Time to Burn (Shellshock).
Your Winner, Alex Jones
– VIDEO –
The camera revolves around the building, capturing crowd shots of screaming Frontier fans still caught up in the excitement of the match that has just ended. The GCF tournament is in full-swing and the anticipation is thick in the air. At ringside, Dave White is discussing the news around Frontier and keeping the viewers at home up-to-date about the show.
Dave White: We’ve had an amazing show so far, it’s been one hell of a night! The battle for the Global Frontier Crown is heating up and…
Suddenly the lights in the building fade to black and the screen at the top of the entrance stage glows to life. Staring into the camera, a Cheshire Cat smile on his face, a cigarette perched at the corner of his lips, and a distant and crazed look in his eyes, stands the former WARPED World Heavyweight Champion Alexander “Starr” StarrZoë. The camera pans back as Alex begins pacing back and forth, standing in what looks like a hallway of the Capital FM Arena, close to the entrance stage, as the fans can be heard booing the WARPED star. He grins even broader at the reaction of the crowd, shaking his head and staring down at the ground. He sighs and begins pacing again, stopping to slam his hand against a wall.
Starr: “Fucking typical. So MOTHER FUCKING typical. Listen to you assholes, right now, this very moment is the ONLY TIME that true talent is going to be in this building and you’re booing me. You’ve watched the likes of Chandler Scott, Adam Stryker, and Jay Pride; pathetic excuses for wrestlers, many of whom has won championships in this bullshit promotion and you cheered them, shit, you should be HONORED to be in my presence! You know, to be quite honest, I thought this place was dead. Then someone pointed out how Frontier roster members keep bringing me up, so I looked into it. I heard who was heading this shit hole up, and to be honest; I’m even more surprised the place isn’t out of business. Chris Osborne; aren’t you the same guy who promised people that I wouldn’t show up to Unsanctioned? That was night one of course, before I showed up at night two and laid out a challenger in the StarrZoë Invitational. Seems like you’re 0-3 now for trying to keep me out of places I shouldn’t be, hmm? Let’s cut the bullshit here, huh? I’ve heard my name thrown around this place one too many times, I’m like fucking Candymann, say it enough and I show the fuck up! First and foremost; keep my name out of your mouths, I don’t want to hear ‘Alexander StarrZoë’ uttered one more time on Frontier footage. I don’t care if DVD sales and attendance goes up because people are interested in finally seeing what a real wrestler looks like in a Frontier ring. I don’t care how much attention it gets you because the world starts whispering about; ‘the next overly-confident fool that thinks he can challenge the unbeatable man’. Leave me out of your tangents. This whole thing started between the Dragons Unleashed and I in WARPED, I was expecting that’s where it would be settled. I don’t know why the Dragons’ 15,000 hanger-ons, that will never develop into talent on their own and have to ride the coattails of a bullshit barely average tag team, keep thinking it’s a good idea to prod a sleeping tiger with a fucking stick; now you all suffer the consequences.”
Alex throws his cigarette to the ground and stamps on it, punctuating his point. He motions toward a door behind him, pushing it open slightly, still facing the camera.
Starr: “Now then; step right this way if you will please. For those of you unaware, this is the Dragons Unleashed locker room for tonight’s event…or what’s left of it. As is evident by the three bleeding and unconscious security guards, I wasn’t lying about that trouble Chris Osborne seems to be having. That smashed up black plastic scattered in the corner? That was Evangelista’s cell phone. That broken bit of glass and metal? Was at one point Laurel’s iPad. The smashed mirrors? The busted out lockers? I suppose that Frontier’s just going to have to front the bill on that one, huh? The scattered clothing and suitcases can be picked up by one of the countless flunkies the Dragons seem to have these days that keep trying to fight me. All the money is gone from your wallets though, sorry guys; I had to cover my travel expenses some how, right? But, there is a surprise for you that I left in the corner; we’ll get to that in just a second. Let me tell you two why, however, that I randomly showed up in Frontier and decided to tear apart your locker room. Consider this the official ending to our cease-fire of late. The game is on again; I’m back bitches; come and fucking get me. I was being nice, I waited, I remained calm and pleasant; no one had the common decency to invite me to Frontier and beat the Dragons on their turf, so now we do it my way. WARPED is running a return show after a short hiatus; guess who Starr wants to fight? Dragons Unleashed against Rampage and I; if you two bitch out, I’m coming back. But I swear to Christ, if I show up here again; oh fucking hell it’s going to be bad. It won’t be a locker room that gets it next time, it will be the whole fucking locker room. The blood of every member of the Frontier roster will be on the hands of you two. I will level Frontier quicker than a 747 into the World Trade Center. What I do to this shit hole will make Auschwitz look like amateur hour, do you two understand me? I’ll hand people from the fucking rafters, I’ll break bones and end lives until I get what I want. This whole saga, it’s all been a lesson in staying the fuck out of my way. You two thought you could run into WARPED and save the day, you’re lucking the AbominationZ never showed up to Frontier and ran rampant here. Now, you’re going to pay for all your grave misdeeds. You two have never heeded any of my warnings, but please, PLEASE for your own sakes, listen to me this time. No one here in Frontier is going to be able to save you or themselves if I have to show back up here. Now, let’s take a look at what I’ve brought for you guys…”
StarrZoë enters the room, stepping over the fallen bodies and points toward a puddle of blood; “be careful there, a bit slippery it seems…” Alex makes his way to a darkened corner of the room, a portion where the lights have been turned off. He flips a switch and light floods the area. Facing the wall is a single wooden chair, where someone of small and skinny frame sits, their hands bound behind them to the chair and a burlap sack over their head. Starr smiles and nods.
Starr: “Don’t get this shit twisted, it’s not a plea-bargain or a fucking peace offering; it’s leverage. You two have witnessed the complete power I have, the chaos I can cause from one shitty decision you two make. Think about it; I violated your personal lives, I took from you one of the only people you care about; imagine what I can do to your professional lives; I’d even be paid to do it! I’m not doing this as a copout, I’m doing this because I want you two to have a daily reminder of the damage and pain I can cause, emotionally and physically, when you decide to fuck with me. Fortunately for our friend here, I didn’t misguide my anger; I never laid a finger on her, just as I promised I wouldn’t. This had nothing to do with her; she was just a medium in which to send a message. It’s you two I want to beat the shit out of. If you don’t give me that opportunity, I’ll rain carnage on Frontier; it’ll make you forget all about what happened to poor Lily, mostly because if you survive with your lives, you’ll be lucky for that. After it’s all said and done, I want you two to crawl your broken asses back here and show this entire place what happens with you fuck with me. Let your beatings me a lesson to them. Before I leave however, let me discuss one other person; someone who above all the nobodies in Frontier, whats the shit kicked out of them more than anyone else; Madman Szalinski. Constantly with the bullshit on Twitter and in FGA; ‘blah, blah, blah; Starr is a stupid asshole, Starr did this, Starr did that, Starr had sex with my mom and never called her again, I’m going to revenge the Dragons Unleashed and make a name for myself off of Starr’s fame, blah, blah’ SHUT THE FUCK UP! No one gives two shits about you or what you have to say. I’m here to say this once and once fucking only; STOP WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. For months now you’ve challenged me to a fight. Fine, fucking fine; you want it so badly; here’s the fucking deal. I offered you the spot in WARPED’s return show, but no one from your camp got back to me. I assumed you’re a pussy who thought twice of mouthing off to true talent and realized your mistake; but then I realized you weren’t that smart when I saw another Tweet from you!”
Starr sighs and lights a second cigarette.
Starr: “I offer you a single alternative if you still want your ass kicked; Unsanctioned II. You can be the next loser in the StarrZoë Invitational. It’s not Unsanctioned if the only person in this business that matters doesn’t show up, right? Let’s see Osborne keep me out this year, shit, I’m advertising myself at this point; it’ll be a record fucking sellout; bigger than Frontier has ever seen. Don’t think it’s that easy thought Madman. All of that bullshit you talked, all of that promising you’d make me suffer, all that big talk you never backed up? I’m going to return the favor. Every opportunity, EVERY FUCKING OPPORTUNITY, guess who’s going to come from behind and lay your ass out? Right after a match? Boom! Starr comes out and beats you with a chair. Just done giving an interview? Boom! Starr smacks you over the head with a camera. Just getting done your shopping? BOOM! Starr comes out and beats you with a gallon of milk. Because of your dumb ass, people kept telling me about how Frontier was taking my name is vein; now I make you pay for that. I’ll be like Freddy Kruger, I’ll torment you when you’re at your most vulnerable. It’ll keep happening too until you either agree to the match at Unsanctioned or you agree to shut the fuck up and never mention me again.”
The camera fades as Starr walks away, leaving Lily in the Dragons’ locker room.
– /VIDEO-
How does this guy keep getting time on our shows? Seriously should be an investigation into this. Now we have our final match and for the first time a complete video of the entire match on the recap.
Leanne Evangelista vs Laurel Anne Hardy
Chivalry is Dead: IGNITE 24/7 Extreme Champion
Jenni Starr: The following match is a Chivalry is Dead grudge match for the IGNITE 24/7 Extreme Championship!
After some huge pops for the impending match, the room quietens and darkens. Everything seems to be in limbo for an agonisingly long moment…
…and then, a massive wall of noise erupts from the fans as Girls Aloud’s “No Good Advice” hits the PA system. Some of the fans are going mental for their hometown girl, while others are showering her with boos for her attack on her tag team partner last time out. The woman herself emerges through the curtain and looks around the inside of the Liverpool Olympia.
Jenni Starr: Introducing first, the challenger, from Liverpool…
Cue massive, massive cheering from the Scouse fans, even those are otherwise booing her.
Jenni Starr: Standing five feet and one inch tall, she weighed in today at one hundred and thirty-three pounds… The Prodigal Daughter… EEEVAAAANNNGEELIIIISTAAAAA!
Slowly, conflict openly playing across her face, Leanne Evangelista makes her way along the stage and down the steps to ringside. She rolls into the ring and crosses to one corner, and just sits down. She starts going through some breathing exercises as she steels herself for the upcoming battle, which she of course requested herself.
“No Good Advice” fades away…
Jenni Starr: And her opponent…
All quiet for a moment… and then rather than the expected sounds of Cibo Matto’s “Sci-Fi Wasabi”, we hear…
“Baby baby, BAAAYBAAAY!”
Misako Honjoh’s cover of “Cum On Feel The Noize” – Laurel and Leanne’s shared entrance theme back in the Global Extreme Wrestling days! They made their names as a tag team on the global stage under this music, and now, Laurel Anne Hardy is obviously using it to psyche out the woman she’s called best friend for many years. And successfully so, it seems, given the look on Leanne’s face when she realises.
Laurel steps onstage with no dancing, no posing, not even one of her trademark feather boas. Like Leanne, she gets a mixed – but incredibly loud – reaction. Within a few days of winning the GFC and WARPED Tag Team Championships, Laurel had decorated her title belts with stickers, ribbons and glitter glue; by contrast, she’s almost a month into her sixth reign as IGNITE 24/7 Extreme Champion – her first reign to have lasted more than a few minutes – and the faceplate around her waist is completely unadorned. That speaks volumes about how far from her usual mindset Laurel is right now.
Jenni Starr: From Rhyl, standing five feet, four inches tall and weighing in at one hundred and forty-seven pounds… she is the reigning and defending IGNITE 24/7 Extreme Champion… The Living, Breathing, Six-Dimensional Installation Event of the Millennium… LAUREL! AAANNNNE! HAAAAARDYYYYYYYY!
Laurel climbs onto the apron and unhooks the title from around her waist. She runs up to the top turnbuckle and poses with the belt, but her gaze never leaves Evangelista and her grey eyes never show a flicker of warmth. She turns and jumps down into the ring and hands the title to the referee, who goes through his final checks and then wisely backs away.
The bell rings. The fans are quiet, but certainly not from boredom; this is the sound of almost two thousand people holding their collective breath. The two (former?) tag team partners come face to face in the centre of the ring, glaring daggers at each other. Laurel mutters something, to which Leanne responds with a grimace and a few words of her own. Laurel smirks and shoots something back, and then they both fall silent, just staring into each other’s eyes.
Suddenly, as if a switch got flipped, they start wailing on each other with total abandon. Within a couple of seconds they’re on the mat, rolling over and over, slugging each other as hard they can with closed fists. There’s no technique or strategy here – emotional floodgates have finally burst open, and each woman is throwing everything she has at pummelling the other as hard as she can. Forearms, elbows and knees come into play, and neither women seems to care in the slightest about defending herself. The exchange goes on for some time, both of them screaming in rage as they brawl on the mat.
Thanks to her superior conditioning, Evangelista gets the best of the exchange and leaves Laurel reeling with a series of mounted punches. Finally, one of them gives quarter as Evangelista backs up. Laurel, on instinct, gets to her knees and starts to stand… Evangelista closes again and unleashes a volley of brutal closed fist body blows. Laurel ends up hanging against the ropes, gulping in quick breaths urgently, hair hanging over her bowed face. She gets almost no time to get her bearings, though, as Leanne runs in and dropkicks her right through to ringside!
While Hardy tries to pull herself upright on the guardrail, Evangelista measures her for a moment then runs towards the ropes – tope atomico! She crushes Hardy against the railing, and as soon as she’s upright, swings her spine-first into the apron. She follows that up by grabbing the back of Hardy’s head and slamming her facefirst into the top of the guardrail once, twice, thrice. Hardy sags to one knee. A cut has already opened on her forehead, just two or three minutes into the match. It’s not gushing blood, but there’s definitely a trickle there.
Leanne flips up the apron and looks around for a weapon, but sees nothing she wants. She starts casting her eyes around the ringside area, finally settling on a section of cable taped to the arena floor! She starts tugging at it, unsticking it, and manages to get a good length of it in her hands. I found out later that it was for the machine that does the lights around the entrance curtain, and yes, she broke it. She loops the cable around Laurel’s neck a couple of times then uses it to haul her up over her back! She transitions that into a cable-assisted Gory special! Hardy is choking and spluttering, and thrashing her legs wildly.
After letting Hardy fall, Evangelista winds the cable around her hands, takes a huge wheel around and uses the momentum to swing Hardy by the neck into the ringpost, so hard the young Welshwoman literally leaves her feet before colliding with the steel. I’ll be honest, I am AMAZED that Laurel didn’t get her damn neck snapped with that one. Still not letting the cable unwind from Laurel’s neck, Leanne starts trying to lock her up for the Lime Street Loop. Hardy kicks and struggles, and manages to jump up and bring Leanne down in a stunner. While Evangelista slowly gets back to her feet, Laurel disentangles herself from the cable.
But as soon as Hardy’s free, Evangelista’s back on her case, whipping her spine-first into the barricade. She backs up then charges in looking for a stinger splash, but Laurel rolls backwards and gets her feet up into Evangelista’s jaw! Evangelista drops to one knee while Laurel sets herself back down. Leanne stands – and Hardy charges out and grabs her around the midriff. She keeps on running without breaking momentum, and lets out a roar as she drives Evangelista all the way down the length of the ringside area to the opposite guardrails. She ploughs Leanne straight through the barriers in a kind of upright spinebuster, and the two women spill into the seating area, crashing through chairs while the fans scatter!
Both women are down for some time, and if this was a regular match, it would have ended in double countout at this point. But it’s not, and it continues. Laurel is the first to stir, slowly crawling to one of the still-standing guardrails so she can pull herself vertical. She wipes some blood from her face then finally stands upright. She grabs a bent, twisted chair and smacks Evangelista in the back with it angrily, then tosses it aside. She winds Evangelista’s long, dark brown hair around her wrist and drags Evangelista further into the seating area, gesturing to the fans with her free hand to move aside. They oblige, and Hardy whips Evangelista into the vacated chairs so hard they topple, dumping her on the floor.
Hardy sets up three of the fallen chairs next to each other, then another three facing them in a mirror image. Evangelista gets to her knees, clearly still in a lot of pain and trying to get her head back in this. Laurel measures her before punching her in the head, then scoop slams her onto the platform of chairs. She reaches down and chokes Evangelista for a good few seconds before setting a seventh chair a couple of feet from the rest. She backs up and poses theatrically to a mixed reception, then runs onto the chair, leaps off the backrest – shooting star senton right onto Leanne! They both crash through the seats, and it looks like every last drop of breath and energy has just been squeezed out of Leanne’s body!
With a roar, Laurel’s back up. She grabs Evangelista and hauls her back towards the ring, picking up speed… no flamboyance this time, she just throws her into the ringpost! Leanne’s left slumping in a sitting position, eyelids flickering. Hardy presses the sole of her boot against Evangelista’s throat to make sure she’s out, then rolls under the apron, disappearing from view.
While the fans spend some time wonder what’s happening – as do I, along with all of the other staff of both FRONTIER and the Olympia – a choking, gagging Evangelista starts coming round. Woozy as hell, she starts trying to scan the ringside area for Hardy, with a confused frown.
Suddenly Hardy appears from under the ring with some kind of tool in her hand. She crosses round to Evangelista, who’s on her hands and knees at this point, and slams whatever she’s holding into her spine. She starts unloading with it, smacking it into her Asylum stablemate again and again and again. When Leanne seems out again, Laurel climbs into the ring and crosses to the nearest corner. She tears the padding away and tosses it aside, then takes the tool to the turnbuckle and starts unscrewing it. She loosens it so that the rope falls away, then drops to ringside and throws a chair over the ropes. Then Hardy grabs Evangelista, drives her spine-first into the side of the apron, and rolls her onto the side of the ring.
And then… I can’t believe anyone could do this to someone who’s supposed to be her best friend. Laurel slides Leanne’s leg through the chair, then slides the loose rope through too, and pulls it tight around the ringpost to leave Leanne hanging upside-down from the ropes! Hardy ties it off then drops down and pushes her bloody hair back from her face, and moves over to grab the cable Leanne punished her with earlier. But it won’t move far enough for her to take it back to where Leanne’s hung up. With a sigh, Laurel thinks for a moment, then starts pulling all the duct tape off it. When she finally returns to her supposed partner, she starts taping up everything – the rope, the chair, the ringpost, Evangelista’s leg. Leanne’s semi-conscious this point and starts struggling, but can’t free herself. Laurel drops to ringside again and boots Evangelista in the stomach, then leans in close so that they’re face-to-upside-down-face.
Laurel Anne Hardy: You gonna turn on me? You gonna sneak attack me?
She kicks her again.
Laurel Anne Hardy: And then you wanna challenge me? You want to destroy me?
Another kick… a droplet sparkles for a moment as it flies from Hardy’s cheek, shining ruby for a moment from the very literal mixture of blood, sweat and tears coating her face. Hardy kicks Evangelista again, and then again, then turns and drops to a sitting position, blinking back tears. She calls to the fans for a handkerchief, and is thrown a packet of tissues. She wipes her face clean, or at least clean-ish, then with a deep sigh pushes herself upright again. She leans over Evangelista, tears already falling back down her cheeks, then screams and starts pummelling the still-trapped Prodigal Daughter with a furious salvo of forearm shots to the head and chest. Eventually she seems to wear herself out and she stumbles back against the guardrail. She seems to almost deflate as tears and sweat pour from her along with raw emotional energy.
While Hardy just sits there, Evangelista’s eyes flicker open. She strains and pulls herself up, and starts picking at the tape holding her up. She scrabbles and claws, trying to free herself, and manages to get some of the tape off. She then starts working on the knotted rope, loosening it as best she can from her awkward position. Hardy slowly pushes herself upright and crosses over. She grabs Evangelista by the shoulders and yanks her down back-first into the apron! But the impact causes the knot to finally jerk loose, and Evangelista collapses to ringside.
She starts to free herself, Hardy having already moved on. In fact she’s over by the timekeeper’s table! She sweeps everything off it and starts dragging it around the ring, totally ignoring the timekeeper’s protests. She pulls it onto the side of the ring facing the stage, so that it’s opposite the steps down from the entranceway. She leans the table against the apron, then goes in search of her tag team partner.
Laurel grabs Evangelista as the latter finally manages to fully disentangle herself, and drags her round to the ring. She throws her into the steps, then drags her up onto the stage, and wheels her around 180. Laurel points at the table, to a mixed reaction. She backs up a few steps, getting ready to launch Leanne, but Leanne starts popping her with elbow strikes to the side of the head! Laurel staggers and Leanne drops to her knees, but hops up and dropkicks Hardy right off the stage and into the seating area! Again, fans scatter just in time as Laurel smashes into their chairs. This section is non-folding chairs, too, and Hardy is left draped over them like a popped balloon. Evangelista doubles over, clutching her midriff in pain, but gets back to one knee with gritted teeth, turns, and moonsaults onto Hardy! They both crash to the floor, lost in a sea of upturned chairs.
Again, there’s no movement for some time, and again, if this was a regular match, it’d be ending in a double countout. And then, slowly, there’s an indication that they’re still alive as chairs scatter. They rise up out of the debris as one. Evangelista has a big weeping gash over her latissimus dorsi, while Hardy’s floral bodysuit is torn in several places.
Hardy shoots a kick at Evangelista, but Evangelista blocks it and knocks Hardy down with a big forearm to the jaw. She throws Hardy into the side of the stage, then lifts her up onto it so she’s sat on the edge. Another shot to the mouth, then Evangelista climbs up onto the stage, walks around behind Hardy… breaks into a run and slams a boot into the back of Laurel’s head! STEVIE G, SO HARD IT SENDS HARDY FLYING OFF THE STAGE AND BACK INTO THE CHAIRS! Leanne leaps off after her and follows it up with a kick to the spine, then grabs Laurel’s legs, pulling her into a wheelbarrow. She stuffs one leg through the back of a chair right down to the thigh, then the other through another chair. She grabs the two chairs and shoves them apart, wishboning Laurel, which draws howls of agony from the 24/7 champion, then grabs her feet and yanks her back through so hard that Laurel’s crotch slams into the uprights of the backrests. OUCH.
Leaving Laurel lying back on the seats and suffering the after-effects of a wishbone and then a crotch shot in rapid succession, Leanne climbs back onto the stage. She gestures for the fans to get out of the way, then leaps off in a diving leg drop! Laurel’s chest, always her weak point at the best of times, is crushed against the chairs. She slides partway off, a leg coming free of one of them. Leanne grabs it sticks it through the back of the same chair her other leg is caught in, then slides under the chair so she’s on her back, looking up at the back of Hardy’s head. Evangelista locks a calf around each of Hardy’s shins, then reaches up and cranks her neck back into a dragon sleeper… LIME STREET LOOP! LIME STREET LOOP AROUND THE CHAIR!
Laurel thrashes but can’t break the hold. But, after a moment, she start pulsing her body back and forth. Finally she manages to build up enough motion to tip the chair over. Both women scream as their legs are crushed, and Leanne’s grip is torn away from Laurel’s neck. Laurel jumps upright and stumbles away, going to rest on the guardrail. Leanne isn’t far behind and she clubs Laurel in the back before whipping her back against the stage, and following that with a running knee lift.
Evangelista hauls Hardy onto the stage again, scoop powerslam, throws her into the chairs! She dives down with a spinning heel kick as Laurel stands, and then again rolls Laurel onto the stage. Then Evangelista turns a chair upside down so that the legs are pointing at the stage like spears, and climbs back up. She boots Hardy in the gut and stuffs her head between her thighs… gutwrenches her up onto her shoulders… holy shit, she’s going to powerbomb her into the legs of the chair! Is she trying to pop her damn lungs!? Laurel starts punching at the top of Evangelista’s head, and Evangelista stumbles. Hardy jumps off her shoulders, landing behind her, and finds an inverted stunner!
Hardy rolls clear while Leanne is left reeling, teetering, about to collapse backwards down the steps… until Laurel charges in with a spear, sending them both flying off the stage and driving Evangelista through the timekeeper’s table!
Laurel pulls herself together and grabs the side of the stage. She leaps up onto it, then immediately bounces off in a moonsault! Evangelista’s just picking herself up from what’s left of the table when Hardy catches her and sends her right back through it, reducing the table to splinters and quite possibly Leanne to splinters as well! Laurel picks Leanne back up and throws her into the ring. Evangelista, barely sensate at this point, just rolls onto her back. Hardy vaults onto the apron and from there into a slingshot springboard shooting star press!
She doesn’t capitalise, though, as the punishment she suffered just a couple of minutes prior once again takes hold. By the time she’s upright, Leanne’s already on her knees again. Laurel drops into a cartwheel and from there into a dropkick, which finds home, but Leanne pushes herself back up with a scream. Hardy runs the ropes looking for a shoot kick – no, schoolgirl from Leanne! She doesn’t go for the pin, though, instead rolling Laurel into a grapevine, then stretches forward… STF! STF! Hardy quickly scrambles forward on her elbows and grabs the ropes. No rope breaks in this match, of course, but Hardy manages to bump Evangelista into the ropes and somehow force her through them.
Laurel clumsily backs away on her haunches, massaging her throat, as Leanne climbs up onto the apron and grabs the top rope. She vaults in, wiping out Laurel with a crossbody, then somehow spins to her feet, albeit shakily. Laurel pounces into a spear attempt, and Leanne tries to catch her. They both hit the deck hard and roll around for a moment, trading wild fists, before breaking apart. Leanne with the leaping lariat – no, Hardy ducks it. They both spin back to face each other. Laurel grabs both of Leanne’s wrists and hauls her back in close, driving her forehead into her former best friend’s face as hard as she can with a sickening crack! Leanne drops to her hands and knees and blows out through her nose, and flecks of blood spatter onto the canvas. I’m pretty sure that’s a broken nose right there.
Either not noticing or not caring, Hardy kicks Evangelista hard in the ribs, knocking her onto her back. She rolls out of the ring and grabs a folding chair, then slides back in and whacks it into Leanne’s side. Both the kick and the chair shot were right on that nasty cut near Leanne’s kidney, which is now bleeding nastily. In fact, Leanne is now absolutely covered in scratches, to the point where I think she’s going to need some of her tattoos touched up. As for Laurel, it’s hard to tell with that bodysuit, but the left side of her face is slick with blood and the soles of her bare feet look inflamed.
Laurel lifts Evangelista back suplex style and throws her onto the top turnbuckle, then locks her into the tree of woe. She drops to one knee for a moment, but gets back up and starts just kicking the hell out of Leanne with total abandon. After she’s done with that she backs away, paces a little, then grabs the chair and rests it over Evangelista’s face. She just stares at it for a moment, lost in thought, then shakes her head and picks it up again. She wedges it into the corner BEHIND Leanne’s head, then hits the ropes. Running baseball slide facewash, sliding right out of the ring! And Leanne’s head is smacked right back into that chair which, let me remind you, is wedged in the corner tight! I’ll eat my hat if Leanne doesn’t have whiplash after that.
After sliding back into the ring, Laurel throws the chair into the middle of the mat then climbs up on top of Leanne and starts lifting her upright. Leanne, whose eyes are glazed, makes only the vaguest attempt at fighting back as Laurel gets under her and lifts her up in the air. She leaps backwards – avalanche backdrop driver! Leanne’s head spikes into the chair. She seems to hang upside down in the air surreally for a moment, then crumples as every muscle in her body just switches off.
Hardy takes a sweet while to get going herself, but eventually she rolls out to ringside and stumbles around to one corner with as much purpose as it’s possible for someone stumbling to have. She flips up the skirt on the apron. It flops back down while she’s trying to look under the ring, and with an angry cry she literally tears a huge strip of the skirt away and throws it aside! She stretches under the ring and extracts a large metal toolbox. She pushes it under the ropes and rolls back in.
Laurel roots through the box, tossing out all sorts of weapons from a coil of barbed wire to a baking tray to a screwdriver. She must have stashed under the ring before the match, which is… slightly sickening to think about, to be honest.
She finds what she’s looking for and pulls out a cake tin, and from inside that… a custard pie? A shock ripples through some of the fans, who know from seeing it before that when Laurel uses a pie as a weapon, the filling isn’t fruit or chocolate but dozens and dozens of thumbtacks!
Hardy motions like she’s going to slam the pie in Leanne’s face, then again seems to have second thoughts about how to employ a weapon. She carefully places it on the canvas instead and slowly lifts the dead weight that is Leanne upright. She manoeuvres her into position… front Russian legsweep, slamming Evangelista face-first into the pie! Leanne rolls onto her back. Her face is a mask of cream and custard – through which little red rosettes are blooming, courtesy of the tacks.
Hardy dips her fingers in the mess of the pie and draws warpaint streaks of custard under her own eyes.
Leanne is just lying there, chest heaving in shallow but frantic breaths. Either she doesn’t have enough energy to wipe the goop from her face, or she hasn’t even noticed it’s there. Laurel meanwhile sets up the chair in the middle of the ring, facing a corner, then grabs Leanne by the hair and plants her face-down on the seat. She looks to the turnbuckles briefly, then shoves Evangelista forward, jamming her head through the gap between the seat and the backrest. She slams the baking tray into Evangelista’s back before turning round.
Hardy steps through the ropes and scales the corner, turns to Evangelista, and spreads her arms for a moment to a mixed response. She leaps off… diving double foot stomp aimed at the back of Evangelista’s neck! NO! Evangelista pulls herself out of the chair and stumbles back out of the way, and Hardy’s legs fly straight through the gap in the chair! As she wedges herself in it, the impact makes it fold closed on her. She screams in pain and her eyes start watering as the metal snaps tight around her midriff. As she pushes herself upright, Evangelista bounces off the ropes and comes in with a Stevie G kick before collapsing again. Once again, both women are down so long that if this was a regular match we’d be seeing a double countout.
Eventually Leanne pulls herself vaguely together. She blinks a few times, looking confused, and realises for apparently the first time that her face is coated in pie. She hurriedly wipes the worst of it away, then stops and stares at her hand as she sees blood mingling with the custard. She looks like she’s going to freak out, but steels herself. She glances at the globs of pie on the mat, taking in the pins mixed in with it, and groans. She sinks back and wipes her hand off on the canvas.
Then with an invisible, ineffable, but very definite change about her demeanour, she sits up and grabs a handful of what’s left of the pie. She bounces the mess in her hands for a moment, then apparently satisfied, crosses over to Laurel on her knees. She yanks Hardy’s head back by the hair, and slams the fistful of drawing pins (and dessert product) into Laurel’s face! She smears her palm around, obviously trying to shred Hardy’s forehead with those thumbtacks.
While Evangelista wipes her hand again, Hardy rolls onto her side and starts desperately trying to free herself from the chair wrapped around her waist. Evangelista meanwhile picks up the coil of barbed wire from Laurel’s toolbox, wraps it around her fingers with an eerily calm expression… that expression switches to blind rage as she starts punching Hardy in the forehead repeatedly! Before long blood is gushing down Hardy’s face, turning the smears of cream still on her features into a sickly pink. Finally, Evangelista sinks back, clutching her hand, realising what she’s just done to herself. But she shakes it off after a moment, and discards the wire. Anyone who’s seen Evangelista in this sort of environment before will know that normally she’d freak out like crazy if barbed wire came anywhere near here, so for her to voluntarily hurt herself with it… I dunno, as amazing as this match has been on one level, on another it’s seriously disturbing me to these two go to such extremes against each other, along with most of the fans in attendance.
Leanne slides out and grabs two guardrails, pulling them away from the audience and setting them up in parallel to each other. Then she lifts up another and rests it across the others. After that, she gets back in the ring and grabs Laurel. She hustles her over to the corner with the still-loose rope, loops said rope, and smacks Hardy in the side of the ribs with it. Hardy doubles over, and Leanne lifts her up onto the top. She then pulls her back down into the tree of woe, turns and grabs the barbed wire, and wraps it around and around Hardy’s ankles!
With a cathartic scream Leanne starts kicking away at Laurel, the same way Laurel has done twice so far in this match on Leanne. Boot after boot after boot after boot… finally, Leanne backs out, only to charge in with a back body bump. She follows that up by jumping up off the bottom rope and slamming a back kick into Laurel’s gut on the way down. Laurel’s left coughing and spluttering. She reaches up, trying to free herself, but Leanne pushes her all the way and tears the barbed wire away. She climbs up after her, and after a moment to check the location of the guardrail structure she set up before, starts lifting Laurel up in an electric chair! Elevated electric chair drop, right through that railing?
Laurel senses it too and starts fighting back with punches to the head. She manages to daze Leanne enough to drop out of grasp, and give her a hard push in the shoulders, making her fall all the way down to ringside! Laurel leaps off with a big splash, then whips Leanne round, lifts her back up and starts setting HER up for something from the top rope instead!
She spots the guardrail structure and turns to face it, then crosses the arms of the doubled-over Evangelista under her own chest in a straightjacket – no, you’ve gotta be kidding me! Terror From Beneath from the top all the way down to ringside, through that metal rail – we’ve seen some sick, sick things from both women tonight, but I think that would cross the line into attempted murder! Leanne tenses and pushes out of Laurel’s grasp. Laurel swings a punch – Leanne ducks it and jumps into the air, and connects with a thrust kick to the temple! Laurel sways sideways with a curious expression on her face, then topples all the way down to ringside! Meanwhile, Leanne lands awkwardly on the apron, and after a moment of scrambling for purchase, drops down to the ground.
She’s still the first back up, though. She reaches under the ropes and grabs the barbed wire again, then crosses round to Laurel. Evangelista digs into one of the tears in Hardy’s bodysuit with a barb, widening it, then rips it completely apart so that Laurel’s bare back is showing. She makes a loose loop of barbed wire, and starts whipping Hardy with it over and over! Bloody welts start raising up on Hardy’s back, and they’re not helped any by the next thing Evangelista does, which is a powerbomb onto the arena floor! She rolls Laurel back into the ring, crosses to the other of the two corners with a view of the guardrail sculpture (the one with all the ropes still in place), and lifts her onto the top turnbuckle.
Evangelista clubs Laurel on the back with repeated forearm shots and then, with a roar, hauls her over her shoulders. She tucks her head in and hooks a leg… HOLY SHIT! Avalanche fisherman buster all the way to ringside, through the guardrail! Both women are down in the wreckage of the railings for what feels like an eternity. Eventually, slowly, Evangelista rolls onto her front and drapes an arm over Laurel.
One!
Two!
Th-
Somehow, Hardy rolls a shoulder! That’s literally all she does, though; there’s little other indication that she’s even still alive.
I didn’t even notice at first that this was the first pin attempt of the match. These two longtime best friends have spent over twenty-five minutes just brutalising each other and not even attempting to “win” in the sense of the match rules. The fans are mostly silent; the brutality on display seems to have left most of them kind of shellshocked.
Evangelista, up first, throws Hardy into the ring. She grabs the barbed wire then crawls in after, and traps Laurel in the ropes. Following this she wraps the wire around Hardy’s stomach, then ducks back onto the apron and leans her weight back, holding on with the ends of the barbed wire! Hardy grimaces as the spikes dig into her. With a huge burst of energy, she pulls herself free, making Evangelista fall and clock herself on the apron. Laurel turns and grabs Leanne’s hair, lifting her up onto it. Still with the barbed wire wrapped around her middle, she pushes Leanne’s head down against the top rope and starts bumping her hips into her stomach. Each time the barbed wire connects with Leanne’s skin, she squeals.
Laurel backs away and runs the ropes, looking for a spear I think, but we never find out for sure as Evangelista sidesteps it then grabs the back of Hardy’s head and drops to ringside, snapping Laurel’s neck across the top rope. Leanne reaches in and unwinds the barbed wire from Laurel’s midsection, then wraps it around her neck instead! She starts hauling her down into the ropes, and bloody hell, she’s almost tearing Laurel’s head off!
Not satisfied with this, Leanne climbs into the ring and stuffs Hardy through the ropes. She grabs the barbed wire again then kicks Laurel’s feet off the apron! Laurel’s left dangling, held up only by the barbed wire around her neck! Leanne turns and pulls it over her shoulder, and Laurel’s struggles get even more desperate. Somehow she manages to get her feet back onto the apron and relieve at least some of the pressure. Leanne goes to kick them off again, but Laurel jumps it, so instead, Leanne swings her over the ropes and into the ring with an inverted armdrag.
Laurel quickly works on untangling the barbed wire from her neck and as Evangelista – who’d paused for a breather – comes close, Laurel smacks it into her face. Leanne falls back against the ropes while Hardy tries to get to a sitting position. Both of their faces are entirely red with blood now, and they both – achingly slowly – come to their feet… turn… stare into each other’s eyes. There seems to be a moment of regret for both of them, and they both look away for a second… but their gazes quickly meet again, and all that burning resentment and frustration wells back up. They scream at each other and charge, and knock each other down with a double clothesline!
Yet again, they’re both down long enough for a double countout, and the fans are deathly quiet. I wonder if they – like me – are wondering if we’re going to see a career ended tonight, or possibly a life… or possibly two.
There’s some movement as Evangelista struggles to pull herself upright on the ropes. There are red trails all over the canvas at this point, with another being created by Hardy as she jumps shakily to her feet with the proverbial crimson mask streaming down her face and dripping from her nose and chin. She pushes her blood-matted hair back out of her face, swaying on her feet, and turns to look at Evangelista. Evangelista sees her opponent still upright, shrieks from somewhere in the back of her throat, and charges – but Hardy catches her and lifts her onto her shoulders. She steps forward so she’s stood over the remains of the pie, and crushes Leanne with a death valley bomb into the tacks! Laurel flops backwards over Leanne and grabs a leg, weakly, but it’s enough to signify the pin attempt.
One!
Two!
Th-
Leanne shoots an arm upright! Laurel facepalms, obviously wondering where her former friend is getting this previously-unknown determination from. She remains lying back over Evangelista’s stomach, but doesn’t bother going for the pin again. They both just lie there for a while – breathing shallow, muscles sagging, letting the sweat cool and the blood dry on their faces.
Eventually, Hardy rolls out of the ring and stumbles off towards the stage, dropping to one knee for a moment every few steps, leaving Evangelista behind. The fans are confused as hell, and to be honest, so am I. For what seems like an eternity, Evangelista’s just lying there in a pool of blood in the middle of the ring, and Hardy’s vanished. Everyone’s starting to wonder if Laurel is throwing the match, and the referee starts conferring with the timekeeper…
…until a roar goes up from the fans as Hardy reappears through the curtain, with a long cardboard box over her shoulder! Evangelista’s staggering up the steps and towards her, but Hardy darts forward and starts smacking her with lefts to the jaw. Evangelista drops, and then flops off the stage entirely! Hardy sets the box down then jumps down to the ground and swings Evangelista round so she’s leaning over the edge. Laurel reaches over and pulls something out of the box… you guessed it, a light tube! She swings the tube into Evangelista’s back, and Evangelista spasms somewhere within the plume of broken glass that goes up. Hardy grabs Evangelista by the hair and runs her back towards the ring, tossing her right over the guard rail. She throws her under the ropes, then goes back to collect the box of light tubes.
She slides the box in then goes in after it, and pours it out. She gets a tube and starts swinging it around her wrist like a giant drumstick, and whaps it across Evangelista’s spine. She sets up two chairs facing each other, a couple of feet apart, then arranges three light tubes more side by side across them. She whips Evangelista into the ropes – Samoan drop on the rebound, sending Evangelista through all three tubes! Finally, Laurel gets the final light tube and drops it on the floor in front of Leanne’s face. She grabs Leanne’s arms and lifts her back… KERB STOMP! Kerb stomp through the light tube! And then a scoop slam into the shards!
Hardy rolls Evangelista onto her back, then steps out of the ring and goes up top, calling for the Stronger Than Dirt elbow drop. She pumps the fans for a second, then sails off… crash and burn as Evangelista rolls aside!
Evangelista, obviously running on adrenaline fumes, smashes Hardy with the intact end of a light tube then hauls up in position for the Headbreaker. She lifts her up – Hardy steps off Evangelista’s outstretched knee and cracks her with a double knee facebuster! Evangelista’s left stunned and doubled over. Hardy stumbles to one knee but quickly gets back up and locks Evangelista’s arms under her in a straightjacket. She lets out a primal scream and hits the Flower Plower Mk.III – NO SHE DOESN’T! Evangelista with the back body drop! Hardy somehow lands on her feet, but Evangelista turns and stomps the back of her ankle to drop her to one knee. She looks for the dragon sleeper, clearly going for the Lime Street Loop, but Hardy finds a snapmare! She slips her arms around Evangelista’s in a full nelson and lifts her upright while sliding her leg up behind Evangelista in a vertical splits, ready to crush her with the Dragon’s Bite… Evangelista drops through her arms, spins, uses Hardy’s arm to wrench her around – HEADBREAKER! She nails it!
Laurel rolls onto her front with the last of her consciousness. Leanne just falls backwards, almost as worn down from the exchange as Laurel is, and still losing a lot of blood from that kerb stomp. Both of them are coated in a slick red sheen from head to toe, and dotted all over with thumbtacks and broken glass. They’ve been fighting for almost forty minutes at this point, pretty much destroyed the ring and ringside area in the process, and they STILL seem to have reserves of resentment and bitterness keeping them going.
Leanne crawls to the corner and hauls herself to a sitting position. She just stares at Laurel for a good long while before pushing herself to standing. She paces around Laurel, one hand on her head, not sure of what to do… she rubs her face then finally just drops and pushes Hardy onto her back, and covers.
One!
Two!
Three-
Kickout, very weak. I guess you could technically call that the second time anyone’s ever kicked out after the Headbreaker, but Leanne sure took her sweet time making that pin, so not really. She still doesn’t seem to quite believe it, though. After she gets over her shock she jabs the prongs from the end of a broken light tube into Hardy’s head, then slides out and grabs one of the folding chairs from earlier, rolls back in, and starts banging it on the canvas to psyche herself up while waiting for Laurel to stand. Slowly, painfully slowly, Laurel obliges… on cue, Evangelista cracks Hardy square in the head with the chair, and the latter flops onto her back lifelessly. Cover.
One!
Two!
Somehow Hardy still kicks out! Evangelista screams in anger and takes up the chair again and just starts brutalising her tag team partner with shot after shot, all over the body. Evangelista is acting like a demon’s possessed her, and before long Hardy’s eyes are flickering and drool is seeping from her mouth. Evangelista raises the chair high above her head in both hands, aiming it at Hardy’s defenceless head…
…then with a howl of frustration she tosses it aside and collapses to her knees, tears cutting clear channels through the dried blood on her cheeks. She just kneels there sobbing and repeatedly running her hands back through her hair. As Laurel slowly comes around and sees this, she hangs her head. Her eyes close and her mouth opens in a deep exhalation, then suddenly she pushes herself up onto her knees and moves closer. The two women stare at each other, one crying in great loud sobs, the other with her own eyes starting to shimmer with tears.
Laurel shuffles closer and puts her arms around Leanne, who tenses, then relents and draws herself into her friend. Laurel rests her head on Leanne’s, tears of her own now cascading. Laurel starts whispering, and the mic just about picks it up:
Laurel Anne Hardy: I’m sorry, Ell. I’m so sorry. It’ll be alright. Everything’s gonna be okay.
And Laurel strokes Leanne’s head soothingly, protectively. Every last crowd member has fallen silent as the bruised, bloodied friends hold each other, sobbing, in the middle of the ring. After a minute or two they look into each other’s faces and breathe out slowly, nod to each other, and together they roll out of the ring. Leaning on each other for support, they stumble up onto the stage. As they near the curtain they’re met by Jay and Matty who get under their arms and help them away from both the carnage and emotion they’ve left in the ring.
Your Winner, Draw!
That was the single most intense and emotional match I have ever seen. There is really nothing I can say after that… Join us next time.