Laurel Ann Hardy & Evangelista vs. Mr Rottentreats & Douglas Fresh – Chivalry is Dead Match
Right, before we get into this cracking match, CarnEvil Connection had a few words to say as they came to the ring…
— VIDEO —
Royal Albert Hall is filled with jeers just as “Three Rings” by Insane Clown Posse hits the PA. The jeers nearly drown the music out as CarnEvil Connection step out onto the top of the entrance way. The duo is adorned in their rattiest street clothes which include tattered sports coats and tuxedo t-shirts. Around their waists are their WARPED Tag Team Titles.
They take their sweet time getting to the ring jaw jacking with as many FRONTIER fans as possible. Upon reaching the ring they pull themselves to the apron. Treats reaches into his sports coat and pulls out his orange and white striped “bag of Treats” to a smattering of enthusiasm. CarnEvil Connection step through the middle and top ropes. “Sir” Douglas Fresh requests the microphone from. Once in hand he taps it.
Douglas Fresh: “I would say it’s great to be back in Jolly ‘Ol England.”
The crowd pops.
Douglas Fresh: “If I did, I’d be telling a bold face lie!”
Dougie soaks in the jeers as he reaches inside his tattered sports coat and retrieves a heart shape box
Douglas Fresh: “Evangelista.. I saw that you were sad about not having a Valentine this year.. I know it’s late. However, took it upon myself to bring you a belated Valentine’s gift.”
Evangelista gives Dougie a cautious glance as he sits the heart on the canvas and slides it across the ring with his foot.
Douglas Fresh: “I hope you like chocolate.”
Evangelista picks the heart shaped box up and Dougie allows a smirk to creep out from under his mask as she opens it. She drops it as soon as she opens it. A few chocolate covered thumbtacks bounce out and scatter at her feet.
Douglas Fresh: “Happy belated Valentine’s Day, sugar britches!”
— / VIDEO —
Evangelista kicks the box out of the ring, although several of the tacks remain in the ring. Laurel and Evangelista step forward and offer their hands to CCNX, who look at each other and then shake their heads, stepping backwards. They may not have adhered to the Code of Respect, but at least they didn’t sucker punch their opponents there. I guess that’s some kind of respect.
Referee Sal Mancini calls for the bell and we’re off. And, almost instantly, all hell breaks loose. Seeing as this is a Chivalry is Dead match there’s no way Mancini can stop all four wrestlers from being in the ring at the same time, so he just lets this turn into a tornado tag match!
Laurel starts stood in front of Evangelista, who doesn’t look best pleased at being in this type of match, especially up against Treats and Fresh. Mr Rottentreats puts down his “bag of treats”, placing it under the turnbuckle in his teams corner and saving it for later in the match. Then all four of them just charge at each other and brawl in the middle of the ring. It’s a good couple of minutes worth of brawling too, no other way to describe it. Eventually CCNX get the upper hand and whip both the UK Dragons into the ropes, taking them down with perfectly synchronised dropkicks.
Lauren and Evangelista pop back up and charge in, connecting with flying elbows and pushing CCNX into the ropes. They then both clothesline their WARPED rivals over the top rope and to the floor of the Royal Albert Hall. The UK Dragons pump up the crowd in the ring while Treats and Fresh take off their sports coats, which they’d still had on until this point. They slide back into the ring, coats in their hands, and toss them over the heads of their opponents. Laurel and Evangelista are blinded momentarily and CCNX take them down with lariats. Treats then heads outside and grabs a steel chair.
Fresh one arm scoop slams Laurel, who still has a coat over her head, and then slams Evangelista too. Treats is back in and is on the top rope, holding the chair. Bermuda triangle moon sault with the chair!! Treats lands HARD on Evangelista; and he doesn’t bother trying to pin her, he’s clearly out to do more damage!
Laurel is trading blows with Doug Fresh, has him tied up in the ropes and connects with some speedy shots to the ribs. She then spots that Rottentreats is about to smash Evangelista with the chair and sprints across to stop him, leaping up and taking him down with a reverse DDT. She leaps off the middle rope and connects with a springboard moonsault. Fresh has got himself free and tries to grab Laurel, who nails him with a Pele kick.
Evangelista has rolled to the outside to catch her breath and soon Laurel joins her to make sure she’s ok. Laurel goes under the ring and pulls out a table, setting it up at ringside. Evangelista is back in the ring and has Fresh in a headlock. Headlock takedown and she rolls over Fresh before locking in a figure four. Fresh grabs the ropes, but that does him no good at all. Fortunately for him Mr Rottentreats pulls Evangelista off him and connects with a Cravate Leg Sweep.
Laurel is back in and attacks Treats, connecting with a dropkick to the back. She takes him to the ring apron and signals to the crowd that she’s going to go for “Flower Plower Mk.III: Terror From Beneath” from the ring apron through the table! The fans go wild at that thought, but they won’t get to see it, Treats drops to the floor and out of Laurel’s grasp before she can get him locked in place. She quickly adjusts, leaps and takes him down with a hurricanrana; fortunately for Treats it’s away from the table!
Inside the ring Evangelista and Fresh are brawling again. Fresh takes her over with a hip toss, follows with an elbow drop and then stomps her mid-section. On the outside Treats blocks being tossed into the railing and suplexes Laurel onto the arena floor. He then grabs the steel chair from the edge of the ring and tosses it to Fresh, who connects hard on the fallen Evangelista! While Treats was doing that Laurel had managed to reach under the ring and pulls out a road sign that’s in English and Welsh. It reads “Road Closed / Ffordd ar gan” and is soon imprinted with the shape of Mr Rottentreats’ face! Laurel slides into the ring and wraps the sign around the head of Doug Fresh next, saving her partner from another chair shot.
Fresh rolls out of the ring, where he and his brother recover a little. Treats spots the box of chocolate covered thumbtacks on the floor by his feet and he picks them up, tossing them into the ring. Tacks spread all over one corner of the ring and Evangelista spots them, her face turning pale. Treats and Fresh slide into the ring and charge their opponents, using their power advantage to gain the upper hand once more. Fresh whips Laurel into the ropes and connects with a running leg lariat. Treats moves Evangelista near the tacks and connects with a big series of punches. CRAVATE BOMB ONTO THE CHOCOLATE COVERED THUMBTACKS!!
The crowd lets out a collective “OOOOH!”
Treats grins as Evangelista writhes in pain, tacks stuck into her and chocolate melted all over her. Fresh high fives his brother, but in taking his eyes of Laurel he allows her to charge Treats and connect with a dropsault. Treats stumbles back and lands on his rear end, on some of the thumbtacks! He yelps slightly, pops back to his feet and connects with a massive rolling elbow. He grabs Laurel, places her on the top turnbuckle and steps out onto the ring apron. While he’s doing this Douglas is pulling out some lighter fluid and a lighter… and he sets fire to the table at ringside! Treats has Laurel in a cravate and she is looking worried. CRAVATE O CLASM THROUGH THE FLAMING TABLE!!
“HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!” chant from the fans here in London.
Doug Fresh is attacked by Evangelista, who connects with a Pinay Legsweep (Tornado into side Russian legsweep, without touching the ground) out of nowhere. She looks down at Treats and Laurel and shouts some obscenities to him. He responds by reaching for his “bag of treats” and emptying the contents on the ring apron. The bag contains a spike, a can of pop, two pairs of handcuffs, powder/salt, the materials for a fireball, and a tin with the barbs from barbwire on it. He opens the can of pop and takes a swig before tossing it into the crowd. Then he grabs the handcuffs and proceeds to drag Laurel up the entrance ramp towards a balcony usually reserved for orchestras performing here at the Royal Albert Hall. Once there he punches Laurel and lays her out again, going back to the ring and grabbing another table from ringside as well as a Singapore cane.
By now Doug Fresh has Evangelista locked in a Camel Clutch after having attacked her from behind, positioned so she can see Laurel being dragged around by Treats. Treats sets up the table under the balcony and lays Laurel on it. He handcuffs her right hand to one end of the Singapore cane, runs the cane under the table and then handcuffs her left hand to the other end of the cane. She’s now effectively tied to the table and has no way of escaping!
Treats begins to climb up to the balcony as Evangelista watches on, helpless. Laurel begins to stir and soon realises where she is and what’s going on. She struggles to free herself but can’t. Treats has reached the top of the balcony, some fifteen feet above her. He signals to the crowd….
MOONSAULT FROM THE BALCONY THROUGH THE TABLE… WAIT… OH MY GOD!
“You fucked up, you fucked up” chants the crowd.
At the last possible second Laurel rolled herself backwards, twisting her arms and landing on her feet at one end of the table; her hands still tied to the cane. Treats crashes through the table, breaking the table and the Singapore cane which frees Laurel. Un-fucking-believable!
While he’s laying in broken pieces of wood Laurel begins stumbling back to the ring, to try and help her friend. Doug Fresh releases Evangelista and goes to cut Laurel off. The two brawl just outside the ring and Fresh manages to overpower her and DDT’s her on the floor. He turns around to be met by a tope con hilo from Evangelista!
“This is Awesome!” chant from the London fans here now, and I’m inclined to agree.
Evangelista grabs something from the ring before helping Laurel to her feet. She hands Laurel what looks like a pie? Laurel grabs Doug Fresh from the floor and slams the pie into the face of the CCNX man. But that’s no usual pie… it’s filled with thumbtacks! Fresh rolls around, holding his face as several of those tacks have become stuck to his mask and neck.
Rottentreats is slowly stiring and is up to a knee in the midst of that broken table. Meanwhile Laurel and Evangelista have Fresh sat up in the middle of the ring. Stevie G (Running shoot kick to the back of the head of a sitting opponent) from Evangelista and a Springboard corkscew senton from Laurel.
Treats is now up and staggering around, and has grabbed a steel chair which is wrapped in barbed wire. I mean, really, who leaves this shit laying around the Royal Albert Hall? Laurel notices him on his way down and goes to cut him off, not realising what’s in his hands behind his back. As she approaches him he swings the chair and catches her HARD!
Evangelista goes to whip Doug Fresh who reverses and sends Evangelista into the ropes, drops down, then starts criss-crossing the ropes with her. On the third time he charges in yelling “I’M THE FOOT BITCH!!” just as Treats throws the barbed wire chair into the ring! FRESH BOOTS THE BARBED WIRE CHAIR INTO THE FACE OF EVANGELISTA!!!
Evangelista looks out of it as blood now pours from one side of her face. Doug Fresh makes a cover and this one is over!
Your winners, CarnEvil Connection!
— VIDEO —
All four participants are a bloody mess and struggling to get to their feet. Treats signals for a microphone.
Mr. Rottentreats: Cut the music!
Treats pulls himself up to his feet with the aid of the top rope and assists his younger brother to his feet as well.
Mr. Rottentreats: La..urel… Evan…ge..lista..
CarnEvil Connection step to the center of the ring holding each other up.
Mr. Rottentreats: I’ve been in the art of extreme since the late eighties..
“YOU OLD FUCK, YOU OLD FUCK, YOU OLD FUCK!”
Mr. Rottentreats: What I’m trying to say is this… Whether you wanted it or not. You both have earned my respect.
Treats extends his hand then quickly smacks his brother after noticing he hasn’t followed suit. The UK Dragons help each other to their feet, Evangelista leaning heavily on Laurel for support, and hesitantly accept the gesture of respect. CCNX raise The UK Dragons’ hands up in the air and the crowd pops. Meanwhile, CCNX’s fellow AbominationZ members Alexander StarrZoë and Crowbar creep through the audience. They jump the rail, slide into the ring, and pearl harbor the already physically drained UK Dragons. The crowd hisses at the AbominationZ. Treats hands the microphone off to Crowbar as the AbominationZ lay the boots to Laurel and Evangelista.
Crowbar: Did you really think that WARPED could contain the AbominationZ?
The crowd is in an uproar as Crowbar and StarrZoë retrieve large wrenches from their respective waistlines and hoist them above their heads. Treats stops both men, who now have confused looks on their faces. Treats shakes his head ‘no’ and points to the bottom rope! Crowbar and StarrZoë nod in agreement. The two AbominationZ quickly undo the turnbuckles from the ring posts. The AbominationZ wrap the bottom rope around the throats of the UK Dragons and start tugging! They start fading fast, and the fans are throwing stuff into the ring at this.
Something else flies into the ring… a BBC Micro! It wangs Crowbar and makes him stumble to one knee, and the rest of the AbominationZ focus on the entranceway where Jay Pride and Madman Szalinski are charging down to the ring, the latter having thrown the computer. He has an Atari Jaguar under one arm, too! Trailing Jay and Madman are Matt Kail, Ariel Shadows, Alex Jones and Dave Spikey to a huge cheer!
The AbominationZ powder out as the FRONTIER wrestlers hit the ring, and Mr. Rottentreats grabs the microphone and the WARPED Tag Titles before they jump the rail and dash through the crowd. Spit and trash from FRONTIER fans flies as The AbominationZ taunt the FRONTIER stars and crowd, raising the titles in the air.
Mr. Rottentreats: And that ladies, is how Mistah Rottentreats has fun! Quick all you crooked tooth, fish and chips scarfing, tea and crumpet consuming assholes! Take out your cell phones and snap a photo! This is the last time FRONTIER will ever see OUR titles! Don’t worry England… WARPED is coming in April!
Treats passes the microphone to his younger brother.
Douglas Fresh: See you in Los Angeles, ladies!
Madman heaves the Jaguar at the AbominationZ, and StarrZoë bats it away with his wrench. While Matt checks on the Dragons, the others press their advance, making sure the invaders keep their distance. The AbominationZ split triumphantly, and the FRONTIER stars help Laurel and Evangelista to the back.
— /VIDEO —
Well AbominationZ are certainly well named, that’s for sure. Some despicable behaviour from them here tonight. Thankfully the rest of the FRONTIER locker-room saw them off. Hopefully no major damage has been done to the UK Dragons, who go up against the CCNX once again for the WARPED Tag-Team Championships really soon. We’ll keep you informed of how they get on in that match.